‘Whore’

I was just called this last night over a dumb little twitter disagreement.

It all started because I told this beautiful teenage girl to respect herself. All she does on her twitter is complain about her ex and she posts screenshots on how he talks to her, which is not anywhere near what a girl should hear. I unfollowed her because I just don’t want to hear about it anymore, not because I hate her or anything. If you don’t want to help yourself, fine by me. This is when she proceeds to go ahead and refer to me as a whore, saying I’ve been on every guys dick in my state and that I would sleep with anyone. I wasn’t even upset or angry, just baffled. A) You don’t know me, at all. Yes, I do tweet some sexual things but I wouldn’t if I wasn’t comfortable with it. B) Why do girls go ahead and try to use promiscuity as a weapon? Granted, she is young and I believe she’s only slept with one guy. Her reasoning is “At least I’m trying to make it work with ONE guy.” Yeah, a guy who doesn’t respect your feelings. The guys I’m generally involved with are close friends of mine or I get to know them. Have they all treated me the best? Nope, but you don’t see me talking to all of them still. Am I a sexual being? Absofuckinglutely and I do not feel bad about it one bit. I’m not ashamed and I’ll admit it to anyone. But I’ve only had 7 male partners over 7 years. That does not make me a whore. That doesn’t make me less of a person. Hell, I knew a girl who slept with 59 guys in 2 years and I stayed friends with her. Whatever floats your boat. It just made me glad that I’m not in high school anymore. I’m not exactly happy with every choice I’ve made but I’m happy as hell to be where I am now. And I can guarantee you I’m happier than she is. WHORE POWER, BITCHES.

Pleasant Surprise

Last night I met up with my ‘crush’ purely because of a random drunk text from him. He apologized for the lack of texting, I can get over it easily because its the end of the semester. We met up in our usual spot and I had butterflies. I fucking hate that feeling. When he pulled up I moved over and made room for him in the backseat. I was wrapped up in a blanket, all warm and comfy. I was smoking so I had the window rolled down and he joined me. We caught up and cuddled with each other. It was a nice moment considering the fact that I never have any moments like that with guys. Annddd then we got down to business. He knows I’m extremely self conscious. I usually am afraid of him touching me because I don’t feel attractive enough to be around him but last night he didn’t care. There was almost an urgency about the way his hands were caressing my breasts but his lips were intimate. The second he pulled his pants down I was in my element and confidence rushed through my veins. I took him in my mouth with pleasure, enjoying every moan and pull on my hair. I did decide to be a bit of a tease though because I was feeling comfortable and I wanted a little more attention than I usually allow him to give. I think he even knew what I was thinking before I did. He slowly put his hand down there, probably to see how I would react. I pushed against his hand to give him the okay. Within 5 minutes he had me unable to speak and my legs shaking. All I could think was “Damn, that’s what I’ve been trying to avoid because I was self conscious? I’m dumb.” I continued to focus on his dick with my tongue and he gently grabbed my hair and pulled me up to his face. He kissed me and said “Let me be inside you.” Now if any of you have read my previous posts I have always said that I hate car sex. But at that moment I did not give a single fuck. I tried being on top (which I have been afraid of since the beginning of my sexual conquests) and it obviously failed. I just got off and felt small and worthless. I just went back to sucking his dick because I felt (in my head) that that was the only way I could possibly please him. It wasn’t even because I was in the mood anymore, but I didn’t want to disappoint him. He could tell I felt off and he said that we would figure it out. We pushed the two front seats up and he bent me over them. He kept complimenting me, probably to make up for my embarrassment. The next thing I knew he was inside of me and it was simply amazing. “Fuck, you’re so tight.” That was the only thing he could say for the first 10 minutes in a guttural moan. Guys, YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW WET THAT MADE ME. Side note: girls are always going to be super proud if they have a tight pussy. Its a fact of life; you compliment me on my pussy, I will probably love you forever. Anyways, back to the story. Once, we found our rhythm it was like he was trying to fuck any self esteem issues I’ve ever had around him, out of me. It kind of worked. For some reason just letting my instinct take over was the best decision I made. Every time he thrusted himself inside me I felt sexier and more confident, resulting in some of the best sex of my life. Of course, the awkward birth control question came up while he was fucking my brains out.

Once we were done I slipped back under the blanket and we talked some more. He always just stays behind for a little while and talks. Its nice and I appreciate it. I told him I think he’s a genuinely good person because he is. He always has done everything to make me comfortable, we even always acknowledge each other on holidays/birthdays or even just because. I don’t think he wants anything more which I can live with. I’m lucky enough to have someone that I sleep with that respects my thoughts and feelings. Its a nice change and I’ll probably always cherish our “friendship”.

I’m alive.

Barely.

I have somewhat disciplined myself when it comes to the whole sexual encounter thing. Trust me, its not my first choice, but I want a better life for myself. Most nights I cry. I feel so empty. There are a few nights where I’ve tried to cave but the guy didn’t respond. I mostly hit up my ‘crush’ but he shouldn’t own a cell phone considering he loses it every other day. He’s apologized if we pass each other on campus and gives me a hug. We’re both having stressful semesters. There is another guy that I could contact but when he talks I just die a little inside. He says some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard in my life. Needless to say, my vibrator has been my best friend.
At the risk of sounding insane, it’s the only reason why I haven’t verbally assaulted anyone. Oh wait, yes I have.

I want to treat myself to a good dick, I am starting to get to the point where I feel like I need too. I’ve gone 2 weeks without it. That’s a relatively long time for me by choice. I am currently accepting bottles of wine or dick pics. Preferably both. SOS.

Sting.

I met up with the guy I like tonight. I actually left friends to do it. They know how important it is if I actually care about a guy so they were very understanding. I was speeding to rush home and pretty myself up for him. My heart was racing as I was driving. My stomach was tightening. I don’t like those feelings. Its too much of a vulnerable feeling. I knew we were meeting to just hook up so I tried not to have expectations of what was to come. But how could I not? I like him. Of course I want him to hold me and talk to me. I got to our meeting spot and he said he would be right there. I got into my backseat and wrapped up in a blanket. I could’ve sworn I was going to vomit. Why was I so nervous? I’ve hooked up with him many times.
A few nights ago I went to a play he was in, he was phenomonal. He wants to be an actor. I passed him in the lobby after but he didn’t notice me. He had a lot of people surrounding him. I texted him telling him I was impressed and proud of him. He said he didn’t even know I had shown up and he was glad I enjoyed it. It felt like a punch to the stomach because in the bottom of my heart I wished he had noticed me in a crowd of people. Understandable that he didn’t. We exchanged a few texts then they stopped; which is normal for him.
So as I was waiting for him for what felt like forever, I was wondering why he texted me. I was the one who suggested hooking up. But before my thoughts could go further he pulled up next to me and smiled. When he got into my car we made small talk. He made a comment on how he’s glad that he has free time again and he laid his head on my lap. I gave him a nice scalp massage (which he absolutely loves). We kind of stopped talking then he sat up and kissed me. I’m confused as to what kind of kiss it was meant to be but whatever it was…it made my panties very wet. He kept kissing me and his scruff was rubbing against my face then he moved to my neck. Fuck, is all I could think. I had to have him but I was so shy. I’m a bigger girl, he’s a fit guy. I don’t like being on top for self esteem reasons. I gracefully avoided that issue by doing what I do best: oral sex. I love giving him head because he appreciates it. I can feel it in the way he moves his hips and grabs my hair. I can hear it in the moans that come from down in the deepest parts of his throat. He was going to finish and he made me stop. He looked me dead in the eye and said “I want to be inside you, now.” Well, how could I deny him? So, I got on top of him as fast as I could. As soon as the tip of his dick was inside of me he was telling me how he loves how tight I am. I will never get tired of hearing that, let me tell you. I was slowly riding him but that wasn’t enough after a while. He stopped briefly asking me if I was okay. No, I’m self concious and am afraid of crushing you with my massive body weight. I just lied to him and said yes. He smiled, probably because he didn’t believe me. He kissed me and then took over control, giving me what I needed. His thrusts were hard but didn’t hurt. I think he wanted to show me that he can take much more than I was giving him. My nails were going into his shoulders, my teeth into my lower lip, and my moans into his collarbone. He finished and I sat next to him, drained.
He still didn’t believe I was okay. In a way that comforted me because at least he actually cared. But at the same time I would never admit that I wasn’t. I was sleeping with someone I can never have as my own, something that scares me to death that I can’t even do in relationships. We ended up talking some before he left but I made him go home and do his homework. I just sat in my car asking myself what I was doing to myself; I’m still asking that actually. This is going to sting in the end.

Update.

I’ve been avoiding writing on here, mostly because I’ve been doing well with refraining from unnecessary sexual acts. I mean not that any of them are ever necessary but I’ve been cutting down on my actions.
There are at least 3 guys I could easily call up to have sex with at any point of time, but I’m trying to wean myself off of it. Also, I’m kinda just over them and I want something new. Okay, it’s mostly the second reason but it’s nice to pretend that I have the will power to really just stop for the right reasons. I haven’t really been sleeping with anyone, the newest dude I talked about just didn’t work out. We were on different pages and when it comes to sexual encounters I don’t think I should have to settle for things that I don’t want. I would rather wait for someone who has the same interests as me when it comes to that.
Also I have come back into contact with a hook up from summer, but its difficult. I’ve grown to enjoy his company and not just his dick. This doesn’t sound like a huge issue but it is. This is the thing I’ve tried to avoid for years. We hung out a week ago, smoked a bowl, and had an amazing conversation and we got caught up. He told me he missed me. I didn’t even know how to react, guys usually don’t say that to me. Granted, he could just be talking about us hooking up but it seemed different. We ended up holding hands at one point, it was a weird feeling. I smiled for no reason. He asked me why I was smiling and I just blamed it on me being high, but I promise you high or not that was one of the best feelings. He told me he had to go, I didn’t want it to end by any means. For once a guy made me smile, I was desperate to keep that as long as I could. I kissed him. Hard. It all went downhill from there. Clothes were stripped. Kisses were placed strategically. Everything seemed electric. I decided to be a nice nurturing woman so I gave him a nice session of oral sex. I specifically told him he did not have to do anything to me (I like to focus on what I am doing). He apparently doesn’t know how to keep his hands off me, but I didn’t complain. At one point it seemed very intimate. I don’t do intimate. It’s scary as fuck for me. I closed myself off, I asked him to stop touching me and just let me finish what I was doing. He was a little put off but he left me be. When all was said and done, we hugged and he left.
Problem; I’m completely addicted to the idea of him now. It’s so new to me and scary  but I want more of it. He never uses his phone for anything so communication is sparse. Its like a drug, and I want more.

Unmarked Territory.

There’s a new potential fuck buddy in my life, Y A Y!
He’s my ex fuck buddies best friend. I had the opportunity to hook up with new dude last year but I was hooking up with his friend and I didn’t want to be that girl. His friend and I don’t really get together as often anymore and I saw new guy at the movies and was sad I missed the opportunity. I readded him on facebook and the games began.
We’ve been talking and today I stepped up my game and sent him a little picture to get him through his work day. Personally, I love doing things like this because I know I am on their mind and disrupting them from something important. Boy, did I get an amazing reaction. We made plans to meet up earlier this evening but it didn’t really work out because of previous plans made. I am kind of okay with that though because I actually was nervous. So nervous that I was nauseous and if I had eated today, I would’ve blown chunks. I’ve never felt like this before hooking up with a guy. Maybe its because he is probably the most attractive guy that I may ever sleep with and he gets some hot girls. All I know is that feeling is unwelcome, it knocked me off my game.
Dudes, try to not be so intimidating if you’re good looking. It will be doing us women a huge service.

Pretending I’ll Be There In The End.

Please, don’t ask me to stay with you after we sleep together. It’s almost a never a good idea. It kind of seals a bond that I don’t want, that’s how feelings develop. It amazes me when guys ask if I want to cuddle after. Part of me does, I mean I have sex to someone satisfy the lack of a boyfriend in my life so cuddling should go along with it. But it doesn’t. It doesn’t fulfill anything for me. Yes, it’s nice to have the creature comfort. But you can keep that comfort if you don’t plan on sticking around. I don’t want you to know my favorite sleeping position, what my breathing sounds like in my sleep or the tired look I have when I wake up. You don’t deserve to know any of that about me, not unless you want to see it for a long time.

18 days.

18 days since I’ve had sex. I’m pretty much a wreck. I’m miserable.
I’ve hardly eaten anything in the past 3 days. Sleep is only a fond memory. And not crying happens rarely throughout the day. I feel horrible. In reality I know it shouldn’t bother me this much. Its just sex. What’s even worse, is that I saw a fuck buddy while he was working the other night. So much tension. I just wanted to slam him down on an open table and do all of the things I’ve been missing for the past 2 and a half weeks. But I couldn’t. At one point he winked at me, giving me acknowledgement. It felt like a nice warm hand on my cheek telling me I would be okay. After he got out of work we talked, and he said that he wants to hang out. Like go out to dinner or a movie. I don’t know how he means it, but I’m not taking the bait. It can’t end well. He’s moving to California in January. Literally across the country from me. Why would he want to even think about starting something? It’s not fair that this is happening to me. Of course he doesn’t know how emotionally fucked I am. I don’t plan on letting him know either. It’s unfortunate. I could see myself being really close to him. Since day one I have been comfortable, never shy with him. He’s broken barriers for me in my sex life. I thank him for it. I just don’t know why this is being thrown at me. The one time I could have potential happiness in a real situation, there is that one factor that is the deal breaker.

I don’t want to talk to anyone.
I don’t want to do anything.
I want to stay alone. It’s safest that way.

Intervention

Well guys, its finally happened. My best friend pulled me aside to talk about my sexual appetite. I never thought my life would have ended up at that point. I just thought my friends would just accept what I do and let me do it. But not this friend. She knows its unhealthy. It’s not because she thinks its too many guys, it’s because she knows I am overly dependent on it. Her goal for me is to stop having sex all together by September and be celibate. My reaction? Tears in my eyes. I literally cried at the thought of not having sex. I started to panic. In that very moment I realized, I don’t have a problem but I will soon. I have this opportunity to stop it. Whether or not I can as quickly as my friend would like is a whole nother story. I listed out the things that sex does for me to her just so she can understand exactly what my thinking and reasoning is, but I don’t think she quite comprehended it. It gives me confidence, boosts my self esteem. It relaxes me. It makes me happy. It makes me feel useful and worth something. It frees me. So every time I feel sad, mad, happy, silly, or feisty; sex is there to cater to my every emotion. Its such an easy fix and its relatively free! WHO DOESN’T WANT AND EASY FREE FIX FOR LIFE? I’m sure some of you are thinking that I am bat shit crazy with serious daddy issues, well you guys are dead on. At least I admit my flaws. My first 3 weeks of being 20 have been an eye opener. Age brings responsibility. I have to learn to be responsible and respect my body, the problem is I don’t know if I have the courage to.

Car Sex.

I absolutely LOATHE it.
The other night I went and met up with this guy I have been talking to. I am always really excited until I get close to the persons house, then I freak the fuck out. I get self conscious and want to just back out. But its sex, so I can’t just simply turn it down.
This guy is like my sexual soulmate. He wants to fuck, all the time. And I was strangely comfortable with him even the first time we hung out. As I was almost there, he texted me saying “I expect you on my lap within 3 seconds of me being in your car. Oh and your bra better be off.” Good. Lord. I don’t know what is hotter to me than a guy showing his dominance. So I did not disappoint. He got into my car and he asked me how my drive was. So I smiled and started to straddle him in my passenger seat. He immediately ripped down my shirt to see that I was not wearing a bra and then he reached down into my shorts to feel how wet I am. He started to kiss my neck then whispered “Mmm you’re such a good girl.” Fuck. Me. Hard. We started to make out and I could taste my favorite alcohol on him. I swear it was like God wanted me to know that someone is on my level in life.

I got back into the drivers seat and started to give him oral sex because it was his birthday a few days before. Originally, that was all that was going to happen. But I think he had different plans. Long story short we fucked. And it was awesome. I was even on top, which I am still fucking afraid of. But I didn’t care. But I was reminded of how much I fucking hate car sex. Especially because I drive a tiny ass car. Its bad when I think a space is too small because I’m only 5′ tall. I was sweating and gross. Bleh. He was sweating and looked sexy as fuck. WHY can’t that happen to me? Whatever. I got laid. He’s awesome during sex. And he’s Mormon so I take joy in knowing that I can help corrupt someone. It makes him even hotter somehow. And he’s getting us a hotel room for my birthday, let the games begin.